Nothing's · Being · Said · That · Has · Not · Been · Said · Before

I have broken up with Jaime.


I did it about three weeks ago ( 19th August, one day after his birthday).


I did via text, which I know is not the most appropriate way to do it after four years. I always found it difficult to talk to Jaime about emotions etc, I never emotionally opened up to him. I try to break up with him face to face but I just couldn't do it. In the end I just thought either I break up with him by text or I will never do it.


I knew I had to break up with him. Being with him seemed like a waste of both of our times.


My relationship with him just was not right. I mean I couldn't even talk to the guy properly, I was always on  edge around him.


Anyway, once I had sent the text, I didn't hear from him for two hours. When he finally sent me a text back he basically said he had also been thinking of ending the relationship as well and that we make good friends and a bad couple. At the end he put "Take care".


I didn't reply.


He then sent me a text again at 1am. In the text he said he had been thinking we should see other people for a while anyway but just didn't know how to say it. He went on to write " If you ever fancy meeting up for the old time drop me a line."


After I had read that message I really did not want to speak to him again. I just thought the last part of the text was very uncalled for and a little disrespectful. We had been together for four years and he was acting like that meant fuck all to him.


A couple of days later I received another text from him asking for explanations.


I told him the truth. I explained that I thought it was time for us both to move on and I said to be honest I found it hard to talk to him about feelings etc. He text me back saying that he found it hard to talk to me also and that he did care about me but he found it hard to open up to people.


I have known this about Jaime for a while and I know it is one of the reasons why we never really connected. We are both too similar in our relationship style. We are both crap about talking about our emotions and opening up to people out of fear of getting hurt.


Both myself and Jaime need people who will dig away at us until we crap and open up. Neither Jaime nor myself were willing or even capable of doing this and that's why it just didn't work between us.


About a week ago he sent me another random text saying that he believed I was a better girlfriend that he was a boyfriend and he thought I have made the right decision for both of us. Oh and he wants to meet up when I get back to Kingston. I am not sure if he really means that or not though. I don't really think it is a good idea at the moment just because it is all so fresh. We would probably end up sleeping together as well, which I would regret.


I was not easy to break up with Jaime. It did hurt at the time and it still does. At the moment I feel a mixture of grief, excitement and hope.


Things are very strange.........


I move back to Kingston on Sunday. It will be weird not having Jaime around.


To me Kingston = Jaime, so everything will be very different.


But, maybe that is not a bad thing!

The counselling session went well.


It was just an introductory session as I thought it would be. They assigned me with a woman on Thursday, she was really nice but she may not be my actual counsellor. The session on Thursday was just to basically find out why I have decided to seek counselling and they also had a bit of a nose into my past.


I am on the waiting list at the moment, she said it should take about 3- 4 weeks for me get assigned a counsellor.


She seemed rather keen with being my counsellor actually. She explained to me that she has one patient at the moment who will be leaving in around 4 weeks and if I am still on the waiting list then she will take me on herself.


To be honest sometimes I don't understand why I bother seeking counselling. I have had two  different counsellors and I have talked about the same shit every time but things never seem to change in my head. I still lack confidence and I am full of self hatred most of the time.


It has helped me through some difficult times to be fair. I suppose that is why I am seeking counselling again, to help me through my months of living back in Bedford. Without it I fear I have the potential of going mad. It would not be harmful to others but to myself.

I arrived back in Bedford on Tuesday after a long weekend away to Woodford and Surbiton.


I spent Saturday and Sunday at Robyns and I left to see Jaime Monday afternoon.


Saturday night Robyn and myself went out to The George in Wanstead and we then went to O' Neils in Leytonstone after. It was a fun night and we didn't get too drunk. We just danced all night and completely ignored all drunken male attempts to come on to us.


Sunday, we just sat on our arses and ate crappy food. We also watched The Duchess and The Changeling, which I had both seen anyway.


I left Robyn's at 12pm on Monday and Eren kindly gave me a lift to Mile End, which shortened my train journey a little.


I arrived at Jaime's at 1:30 pm. I had to meet him at the station though because he had work at 2pm that day and I needed his keys to get in to his house. Jaime didn't finish work until 6pm and didn't get home until 7pm, which made things a little awkward for me because it meant I was left in the house with his house mates alone. I was left with the predicament of either staying in Jaime's room until her got home or got downstairs and watch TV where I will be exposed to the house mates and would have no choice but to make small talk.


In the end I chose to go downstairs and watch TV. I came to the conclusion that they would just think that I was weird of I had just stayed upstairs in Jaime's bedroom.


I must admit a did feel a little awkward while I was sitting downstairs with his house mates but they were nice enough. I am just crap at meeting new people. I was a little relived when they all went into their own rooms or went out and left me alone downstairs.


By the time Jaime got back I was starving so we ordered Chinese.


After we ate we got into a weird conversation about our sexual fantasies and if there was anything that we wanted to do that we had not done yet. I mentioned that we don't do that much dressing up stuff and also suggested spontaneous sex in public places. He agreed with all of this and even suggested bondage and also a nurses outfit.


There was then silence for a few minutes and we carried on watching TV. He then said " actually there is one other thing but I don't know how you would feel about it. I have always been curious about threesomes."


My first reaction in my head was "oh fuck he is going to say another woman I know it."


Of course he suggested another woman! He is a bloody man after all!!


I am quite open minded about sex but the problem is, is I don't actually find women attractive. It would probably make me feel sick having to touch another woman like that and I doubt I would be able to do it.


I told Jaime this, I said "It's a bit like me asking you to give another man a blow job."


He then said "Well don't worry you wouldn't have to go down on her, just finger her."


I mean what the hell?!? I told him I don't actually find women attractive. I don't think he actually understood that me not finding women attractive would make fingering another woman VERY difficult.


I hope he gets this out of his head very fast, knowing Jaime's memory he probably will.


It's not just the thought of having to actually touch another woman. It's also the thought of watching him touch another woman in that way that puts me off. I don't think I would be able to handle it, I could see myself becoming very jealous. To me I suppose it would be a little like watching him cheating on me and just standing there and allowing it.


Apart from the whole threesome thing, he is still being very attentive. I think I have found the secret to why he has become more attentive.I think it's because I ignore him more than I used to e.g. I don't phone him very often, he always phones me or If he is sitting one side of the couch I will sit on the opposite end and completely annoying. It is rather amusing actually. When he notices that I am ignoring him he puts his arms around me straight away and attempts to hug me. He even admitted to me that when I ignore him it makes him even more "horny" because it's like I am trying to "seduce him" or something along those lines.


I don't understand it myself but ignoring from time to time without overdoing it is definitely effective.


On the Monday Jaime took me to his work because his manager was not in and it was only him and his friend who were working that day.


He took his laptop with him to work and I just sat in the back watching movies. We also went for breakfast in the pub next door.


I left at 12:30 pm to go home because I had Pole Dancing that night.


The last few days I have had work from 9am- 5pm. Work is okay, it's tiring but the people working there are nice enough. There is one particular girl called Lindsey who is 21 like myself who I can see myself getting on well with.


The only problem is the place attracts shit loads of children because it's more like a day out for children than for adults. I don't like children!


They annoy me.


They are too loud and they cry and shit themselves too much. I don't have much time for children.


I am supposed to be working tomorrow (Saturday) but I will have to call in sick because I am going to a family party tomorrow night. I think it's a party for my mums cousins 60th or something like that. The problem is we have to go because my mum has not seen that side of her family for YEARS and I hardly remember them, I think I was a baby when we last saw any of them. Also my nan would kill us if we don't show our faces. Jaime is also coming along, which should be interesting. I bet he is shitting himself!


I plan to phone in sick for work at around 6am and leave a message on the answering machine saying I have an upset stomach. I feel bad and I don't really want to phone in sick but I don't really have much of a choice. I was planning on asking a girl if she would swap days with me but I felt bad about asking her because I had only met her once and I thought it would be a bit cheeky asking her if I hardly knew her.


It's bloody typical me. I hate being an inconvenience to people.

Went paint balling today with Linda (my pole dancing instructor and two of her friends. It was fun but it was very overwhelming. It felt like we were in battle and it hurt quite a lot when you got hit.

It's not something I could have as a hobby. I don't really get a huge kick out of shooting things and other people.

I am glad I tried it though. I have always wanted to try it.

At least I can say I have done it now.

She also invited me for Chinese and drinks in town tonight but I have no money, so I had to decline.

I am VERY tired now. Paint balling does take it out of you!

The boat party on Saturday was fun. The boat basically sailed down the Thames for four hours. It started and finished at Temple.


It turned out okay despite my doubts on my ability to socialise and make random conversation with total strangers.


The only bad thing was I managed to get blisters on the back on my heel from the shitty shoes. My heel started to blister right at the start of the night when I had to walk to the station and through the underground. My feet were basically killing me all night. When I woke up the next day I had blood all over the back of my feet from where my heel had been rubbing all night.


I did manage to talk to most of Jaime's friends and house mates. I must admit I was a little shy but I still spoke to everyone and tried to hide my shyness as much as possible. I was fine once I had a few drinks down me. Jaime did leave me alone a few times as well because he went off because he spotted someone that he knew or went off to get drugs.


Most people at the party were on some sort of drug. I heard that some guy was handing out MDMA to people in the girls toilets. Jaime took some as well, which pissed me off a bit. I don't understand why he nearly always does some sort of drug when he is out. He also smoked a lot of weed as well, which is nothing different really.


It was a fun party though. Me and Jaime danced a lot. The music was mostly drum n base, which I am not much of a fan of. Jaime was also a little protective as well. He assigned his friend Ikkan as my "bodyguard" from Patrick (Jaime's house mate) who can be a little pervy. I did not when Patrick went to put his arm around me for some reason I can't remember why, Jaime gave him the fattest evil as if to say " don't push your luck."


The party finished at 12am. Once the boat came to a holt, me and Jaime decided to take a chance and we stole a few glasses of beer and a bottle of wine from a bar which was not being used. I noticed a few others took advantage of this as well.


We managed to get the underground back to Waterloo and then a train to Surbiton Station. A whole load of people came back to Jaime's house. Around 20 people turned up at his house after the party because they either wanted somewhere to sleep or wanted to continue partying.


After about an hour of sitting about in the living room, Jaime and myself decided it was getting too crowded an decided to go to bed.


Apparently Jaime kept throwing up that night. I didn't even notice, I just passed out on his bed. Alcohol tends to put me into a deep sleep.


The next day we just lazed around Jaime's house. At around 3pm we decided to have a nap. I woke up again at 7ish and I just could not sleep any more. Jaime was still fast asleep and I didn't even consider waking him up, I know he gets really moody when people disturb him sleeping. I knew I couldn't just lie in bed and wake for Jaime to wake up, it could be hours before he decided to get up or even all night. So, I plucked up the courage to get up and go downstairs to watch TV with his house mates who I hardly knew. It was a little embarrassing but it was better than just lying there waiting for Jaime to wake up.


It was particularly embarrassing because most of his house mates had their girlfriends over and they all ended up going upstairs. In the end I was sat there on my own.


Jaime woke up at 10 ish in the end. We sat downstairs for the rest of the night watching TV and Jaime made us food.


The next day Jaime had to be at work for 2pm, so I headed home when he had to leave for work.


He seems to be a lot more keen and affectionate lately. He phones me a lot more and he sends me a lot more text messages saying that he misses me and wants to hear my voice. For example, I think it was about three minutes after we said goodbye on Monday that he sent me a text saying he missed me already and was really glad I came to the party. About a year ago I would not have been able to imagine him doing that. He now phones me just to see what I am up to, which he never used to do. I don't know why he has suddenly decided to make more effort.


He does seem a lot more loved up.


Maybe it's the long distance that is doing it.